Week-3: Fall – Letting Go with Love

“The leaf has fallen,

Returning, to dust – to home,

Someday I will too.”

-            Julie Moore, Author, I Am Their Voice

There comes a time while caregiving when we must come to terms with the end of life.  When you are in the Fall Season of caregiving, your loved one’s affairs should already be in order. 

Talking about what happens when your loved one passes away, or even when you pass away, doesn’t have to be taboo.  The longer you put off discussing it, more importantly, refusing to acknowledge it only creates new problems to face and deal with.  Those problems will not only be emotional, but financial and logistical, and quite possibly affect your family relationships. 

The Fall season is the time when the leaves begin to change color and fall from their branches.  Recognizing decline in your loved one, navigating their loss, and preparing emotionally and logistically for what’s next WILL help to ease the sting of that pain.  There will be pain; I can’t deny that.  But know that you can still let go with love through honoring their wishes.  That means you must ask them what their wishes are.

Start the conversation with “What would you like the doctors to know if you ever become incapacitated?”  This is where an Advanced Healthcare Directive form comes into play and should be completed as part of their estate planning process.  Incapacitation comes in many forms:

-            Your loved one could be having surgery and while under anesthesia a medical emergency pops up, the doctors need to know how you want them to manage that emergency.

-            Your loved one could be in a car crash and be unconscious or slip into a coma.  The doctors need to know if they want to be on life support or not.

-            Your loved one could have a brain injury, or a significant brain change that limits their ability to make decisions (like with dementia).  Your loved one, before the brain changes, needs to name someone as a Medical Surrogate to make decisions once those brain changes take effect.

That conversation should then lead into the next question of “What would you like me to do with your belongings, to include your assets like your car/home?”  This should result in a Last Will and Testament (at a minimum) or a Trust.

There are other estate planning documents that are vital when caregiving, such as Powers of Attorney.  I cover all of these in my book.  Speak to an attorney about what’s right for you and your loved ones.

Fall teaches us to let go with grace.  Each family member may have their own opinion of what the right decision is for your loved one; medically, financially, or physically.  Families tend to have the most disagreements when a loved one passes due to those opinions.  The only opinion or decision that matters when your loved one passes away is their own.  Following their decision about how they want to leave this world takes the decision-making process out of your and your family’s hand.  It’s painful, but necessary.

There is beauty in the release.